PORTER RANCH, California — Longtime resident, E.T., has decided to permanently move away from Porter Ranch after the discovery of a massive natural gas leak in the Aliso Canyon gas storage facility. “This whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth,” he said, “Literally.”
Porter Ranch was in its infancy in 1982 when E.T. first arrived on Earth for a botany study. Accidentally left behind by his fellow scientists, E.T. could barely speak English but he decided to explore this suburban neighborhood perched on a hill in the northwest San Fernando Valley. He soon became friends with the locals. He remembers fondly a wild bike ride with his friend Elliot, rushing through empty lots and construction sites as well as late night stargazing and pizza parties. He was even treated to a experimental deep freeze spa treatment. “I’ll never forget that!” He had to leave after only a few days of teaching Elliot the true meaning of love and dying and then resurrecting himself as a Jesus-like symbol, but he swore he’d come back someday.
Over the years, Porter Ranch became one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in the LA metro area, known, ironically, for its clean air. Long retired from his duties in the Galactic Senate, E.T. returned to Earth in 1999 and decided to settle in the neighborhood where he had so many adventures years before. But after the leak, he’s become disillusioned about government responsibility and public health standards. Now it’s time for E.T. to move on.
“I’ll miss making all the dead flowers in my yard mysteriously come alive, drinking beer and making toys dance in the air.” Could he see himself living anywhere else in the metro area? “I enjoy WeHo’s Halloween street party, but there’s just too many dogs. I hate dogs.”
When asked where he’ll move next, E.T. stopped to think. “I hear Dagobah is great for retirement. Or Palm Beach?”