Hillary’s Helper


“I guess I’ll just hold my nose and vote for Hillary.” – Bernie Sanders Supporter

Are you a Bernie supporter? Are you mad that your Facebook rants and “Bernie or Bust” bumper stickers didn’t result in a Sanders candidacy? Does the idea of voting for Hillary make you want to retch? If so, we’ve got just the thing for you!

Introducing Hillary’s Helper: a state of the art, hands-free, assistive voting device that holds your nose for you while you vote for Hillary! Not only will the Helper make voting easier and faster (imagine voting with two hands!), it will help prevent you from puking and making America’s polling locations resemble frat toilets during pledge week.

Look, we understand you’re upset. You thought Bernie was going to be our mystical Gene Kelly who turns our country into a giant, 24-hour Xanadu roller rink. Now all you have to choose from are two candidates who you think make Cerberus look like a Pomeranian puppy.

And as much as you claim to agree with Susan Sarandon, you don’t really want a Trump presidency to “bring the revolution.” Admit it. You still kinda wanna drink your Frappucino every afternoon instead of desperately trying to survive a post-Trumpocalypse wasteland, collecting human suet and trading it for a night’s stay in a mountain cave that used to be Teddy Roosevelt’s nostril in Mt. Rushmore.

You don’t really want that, do you?

So join us (or at least tolerate us) and you’ll receive a Hillary’s Helper Nose Clip as a complimentary gift! And you have our guarantee that we will never, ever tell anyone you supported us and you can continue to whine and moan and do that gagging act that Joan Rivers performed on Carson thirty years ago.

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