Join the Bathroom Brigade!

BathroomBrigadePicAmerica is slipping away from us like a greased pig at a county fair.

Gays have taken over the Boy Scouts. Abortionists harvest baby brains for cash. Bakers are forced to make cakes for lesbian pagan moon ceremonies. Animal rights groups ban greased pig contests at county fairs.

Now they’re coming for our public restrooms: those sacred, same-sex sanctuaries where we can finally find freedom from Aunt Judy’s rancid potato salad.

For God’s sake, Aunt Judy! No one puts salmon in potato salad!

Currently, anyone who “identifies” as male or female can use the restroom of their choice regardless of their God-given anatomy. Before you know it, men won’t be able to share drawings of the female anatomy on bathroom walls without being critiqued on their accuracy. Women’s rooms will soon be turned into salons for drag queens with clever names like Anita Hanjob and Ivanka Trump.

And what about our children’s safety? Who will stop our public bathrooms from turning into a scene right out of Silence of the Lambs?

Thankfully, lawmakers around the country are creating Bathroom Access Laws that restrict access to public bathrooms unless you have the correct corresponding anatomy; but enforcing these laws presents obvious challenges for local law enforcement.

That’s where the Bathroom Brigade comes in!

The Bathroom Brigade is a volunteer army made of honorable citizens who regulate gender appropriate access to public bathrooms. We believe that, even though there is no evidence of transsexuals assaulting anyone in any public bathrooms anywhere, the possibility is very real and the Bathroom Brigade is determined to keep that number at zero no matter the cost or inconvenience to our society.

Q: How does the Bathroom Brigade work?

Joining The Bathroom Brigade is simple. You don’t even need a high school education! After a quick, five-minute orientation, Brigade volunteers are paired up and assigned to monitor a local public bathroom or locker room. Each member is provided a free Bathroom Brigade uniform, a pair of surgical gloves and a complimentary, fully licensed firearm.

Before a visitor enters the bathroom, he or she must present a valid, government-issued ID. Then the Brigade member escorts the visitor into an adjacent screening area where the visitor disrobes enough so that their biological gender can be confirmed by the Brigade member. Afterwards, the visitor is free to enter the restroom and relieve him or herself in a safe, secure, single-gendered environment. It’s that simple!

Q: What happens if a visitor with the wrong anatomy insists on going into the wrong restroom?

First, it’s important to stay calm. Remember, some women wear jeans and t-shirts and have short hair just like men. If their ID says female, just ask them which restroom they’d prefer to use and, more often than not, they will choose the women’s room.

The real threat to public safety is men who dress as women. Be alert at all times. Some of them make very convincing women. Things to look for: Adam’s apples, evidence of excessive body hair removal and penises.

After an offender is reported, Brigade-sponsored psychiatrists will arrive and provide each with an emergency gender-appropriate outfit. Women receive a white, full length dress and heels. Guys are provided flip flops, cargo shorts and an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Soon, they’ll start on a “re-eduation” program that includes outings to typical heterosexual environments like sports bars, Kenny Chesney concerts and Olive Garden. Workshop topics include Acceptable Bathroom Banter, Learning to Love Kim Kardashian and Acceptance Through Electroshock Therapy.

In the end, you can rest easy knowing you’ve kept our bathrooms safe and helped someone begin their journey of conforming to acceptable gender behavior.

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